During orientation week my first year at Dartmouth College, I found myself with over 100 freshmen at a s’mores social event. The night sky was dotted with fairy lights, and a warm glow encircled us, as a tide of excitement rippled around the firepits. While I moved with the current, flowing from one person to the next, the fleeting conversations remained stagnant. Each exchange followed the same routine of strained small talk. For an event with no instruction nor rules, I felt confined by some arbitrary social boundaries that kept me on the surface of every interaction. I was at an event made for getting to know people, and here I was, at least 20 people later, none the wiser to anyone around me. 

As I headed back to my dorm, I bumped into another freshman on the sidewalk. Our conversation started about the cobblestone streets of Bruges, Belgium, and the next thing I know, three hours later, he is standing in the middle of my room reciting an entire passage from Macbeth. We moved from one conversation to another unable to contain our excitement. His laughter, full, uninhibited, and authentic, was contagious, and I felt a freedom to be candid in a way that feels so difficult in this day and age. Since then, our friendship has only grown, and today he is my best friend. It's hard to describe our friendship in any other way but limitless. We find joy in everything, from rolling pumpkins down a long driveway outside the library to running through the sprinklers outside the science building. 

Ironically, finding my best friend so early in college has made me more attuned to the wider challenge of connection. In my experience, this obstacle stems from societal systems that encourage us to conform to narrow ideals of success, from how we present ourselves to where we find connection. These prescribed norms can inhibit authenticity and make genuine connection more difficult. However, attaining such a meaningful relationship not at the gathering by the campfires but serendipitously on my way home showed me that connection exists outside the system. 

Pressure to Fit the Mold 

Despite the interconnectedness of our modern society, it feels we are progressively becoming less connected. While social media has brought many positives, it has also propagated unrealistic expectations of success. Platforms like LinkedIn display every academic and professional milestone someone has achieved since adolescence, while Instagram serves as a constant reminder of all the friends, places, and experiences that we have had no time to pursue. As a result, it leads us to slowly construct an impenetrable barrier between our real selves and our cultivated personas. As we relinquish so much of our life online, the feeling of being constantly perceived leads to a looming pressure to perform, even offline. 

If one believes meaningful relationships can only be found in a select few places, it creates unrealistic expectations and can leave one feeling further disconnected in a society where connection is already difficult. 

Recently, during a conversation free of pretense, a friend asked me if I was happy with how I was spending my time in college. I told her yes. But when I asked the same question back, she shook her head. Despite her time being filled leading extracurricular organizations on campus, getting the ideal internships, going on spontaneous adventures every weekend, and still finding time to excel academically, she felt discouraged as this did not bring her fulfillment. “So what if I do all these things?” she said. “I can’t even tell you what I truthfully like anymore.” 

The internet has become our judge, jury, and executioner. When scrutiny feels omnipresent and comparison is all encompassing, it's natural to want to fit a perfect mold. However, this culture of constant visibility and judgment inhibits vulnerability. If we can’t truly be ourselves, how are we supposed to create authentic connections? Our inability to be fully honest with one another not only prevents connection but continues this cycle of silent struggling as we feel more and more isolated in our own worlds. I don’t think Dartmouth is an inherently competitive nor cutthroat place. It's quite the opposite. Time and time again, I feel the support of my peers and professors and a general sense of community. The issue is that we are more similar than we think. Many of us face the same struggles and challenges; yet our apprehension to express them leaves us isolated in our journey. 

The pressure to fit the mold not only makes students feel like they must always appear successful, but also dictates where meaningful connections can and should be found. Too often I have heard “you need to be a part of this club if you want to make new friends” or “if you don’t join a sorority you will have difficulty making friends.” I am not saying that true connection can’t be found in these structured and defined places. Of course it can. Rather, if one believes meaningful relationships can only be found in a select few places, it creates unrealistic expectations and can leave one feeling further disconnected in a society where connection is already difficult. 

Beyond the System 

Societal systems pose arbitrary rules that can limit connection. However, we have a choice to determine how we let the system affect us. By looking beyond these artificial boundaries, we can find connection in places and with people we least expect. During my freshman year, I was standing in the chilly autumn breeze at a Diwali celebration, when a girl, walking back from the gym, paused to ask what was going on. Both of us spent our time engaging in very different activities, and our paths rarely crossed in the hectic rhythm of college life. However, this spontaneous moment permitted a close friendship to grow with someone I would have likely never met. 

I believe that as college students we have more agency than we think in defining what connection means to us. Some of my favorite memories include formally emailing 12 friends to go sledding the day after a blizzard and, in what is now a term tradition, spending the whole day with two friends cooking an extravagant dinner for a large group. In my experience, by being authentically myself and seeking intentional moments with friends, I have been able to defy the constraints of the system and find what true connection means to me. 

Sophia Sahni is a junior at Dartmouth College.